Lose the lectures Nobody wants advice. And don’t nag! The minute you start getting “that tone” in your voice, you become inaudible. From a long distance way off in his head, your child sees your mouth moving, with nothing audible coming out. Tell the truth Remember that childhood b.s. meter! Truth-telling with kids doesn’t mean confessing all, but it does mean not lying. Use active listening Remember that active listening means listening to and trying to understand the child’s thoughts and feelings. Listen silently and then paraphrase, say back again as closely as possible without interpretation what has been said. Don’t let your disagreements escalate Try to keep to the specifics. Nothing turns a kid’s brain off worse than “You always…” or “You never….” If accusations escalate, don’t play. Try taking a five-minute break. Cool it with the general criticism It doesn’t help, and it can be very damaging. Never set a kid up to be a liar Forget the rhetorical questions: “Did you break my umbrella?” Use “I” statements Saying, “I feel…” is more effective than saying, “You make me feel….”
Daily Communication
A stepfamily’s identity is built slowly, through effective communication and shared experiences. Communication can happen in family meetings (and we’ll go into those later), but primarily it happens every day, each time family members interact with each other. As a stepparent, your daily communications with your stepkids should involve three points:
Communicate respect Communicate affection Communicate your expectations and goals
Communicate Respect
It’s simple: You gain your stepkids’ respect by showing them respect. People respond to being treated well, and kids learn by imitation. When you model respectful behavior, they learn appropriate modes of behavior. You can communicate your respect for a child’s body and personal space, temperament, privacy, needs, and opinions by listening to them, observing carefully, and taking them seriously. Sometimes it’s hard for stepparents to listen to a child. It takes energy, and if you are feeling resentful of the emotional space a stepchild takes up in your life, you may not want to consider his needs. But paying respect to your stepchild will lessen the energy drain you feel. When a child (or anybody, for that matter) feels respected, he returns your efforts twofold. Respect is not a hands-off policy (the child still needs your guidance), nor does it mean agreeing with the child’s every opinion, belief, or action. Respect is an acknowledgment that a child’s feelings and beliefs are valid. Respect is a starting place.
Communicate Affection
Communication is not just what you say; it’s also how you say it, and it involves your body language. Not all people are comfortable expressing their deepest thoughts and emotions with words. Even for those who are, words are not always enough. A kiss, a rumpled head, a smile across the room, a wink when things are rough—nonverbal affection is just as important as beginning every sentence with an “I” statement or writing your Family Values and posting them in the kitchen (both of these are covered later). Being affectionate with your stepkids shows in a very tactile way that you care about them. Affection doesn’t always involve touching. You may not be a naturally “touchy” person. Little kids have a biological need for physical affection, but physical affection doesn’t always feel natural in a stepfamily, nor is it always appropriate. (Older kids need physical affection, too, but not necessarily from you.) If your stepchildren are preteens or teenagers, hormonal issues may come up. Incest taboos are not as strong in stepfamilies, and without the biological bond or long-term experience of raising a particular child, sexual attraction may make hugs and back rubs inappropriate or even dangerous (see more about this in Stepfamily Problems). Yet affection and nonverbal communication are not necessarily tied to physical contact. So much is communicated by the way you look at a child (and by how you say things). Whether your stepkids are little or big, it’s important to have some kinds of nonverbal communication with them. Talk together about how much physical affection you all feel comfortable with.
Communicate Your Expectations and Goals
Preconceived expectations of what stepfamily life should be like are never helpful. Once the new stepfamily has formed, however, the kids need to know what they can expect in terms of family structure, and they need to know what kinds of behaviors are acceptable and expected of them. Kids need to understand these three points:
Family expectations These are moral- and value-based expectations about how people in the family should behave and treat each other. Personal expectations These are achievement-based expectations that kids and adults have, such as goals and expectations for academic, athletic, and developmental growth. Relationship expectations These are socially based expectations: “I expect you and your stepsister to cooperate when you are cleaning up your room.”
title: “Communicating With Stepchildren” ShowToc: true date: “2022-11-20” author: “Billy Rodriguez”
The active listening exercise below is an excellent tool for improving household communication. Take a few minutes and try this. It can’t hurt matters (sounds like they’re pretty miserable as is), and it can help. Are you afraid you’ll hear some things you’d rather not know about? Hey, better now than later. Resentments and resistance do not just fade away.
Before You Begin, Why Bother?
Active listening helps the child by raising her sense of self-worth and self-respect. Whether or not your own child or your stepchild-to-be expresses it to you, your thoughts and your opinions of her matter terribly to her. The fact that you are listening to her concerns will really help her feel better about herself and your relationship. Active listening is a tool for building empathy in you. Once you truly hear the child’s concerns, you’ll be able to feel a bit of what he is feeling. Using active listening will help you better understand what the kid means. None of us are completely clear, but kids (especially kids who are churning inside with emotions) can be totally muddy in what they’re saying. Active listening can help you decode the meaning. Active listening gives the child the opportunity to correct you. In other words, you paraphrase, and he tells you you’re out to lunch. That’s good! That way you can fix up any misunderstandings (and in a step situation, there are often many). By using active listening, you can help the child explore her own thoughts and feelings on a deeper level. Things may be so complex that she may not know how she feels.
Here’s How to Do It
You can actively listen anywhere, as long as you pay full attention and do it deliberately. You can say, “I want to hear what you think about blah blah blah and I’m not going to say anything until you’re done. When you finish, I’ll tell you what you said and what I heard.” If that feels like it might really scare the kid, try a casual approach. Simply listen silently and then paraphrase without calling attention to what you’re doing: “So you’re saying blah blah blah blah. You feel blah blah blah. Did I get that right?” You’ll get the hang of it.
Wait! Hold It! Watch Out!
Things can go wrong in active listening when you make these mistakes:
When you hear only what you expect or want to hear. (This is a biggie!)When you allow your beliefs and attitudes to interfere with your listening. I know, you know her biomom is loony and has a bad attitude problem, but try to get past that to listen to the child’s perceptions. You can process later that stuff about how you shouldn’t be allowed to eat lunch in the same county that the ex was born in.When you allow your feelings about what’s being said to affect how you are listening (same type of thing as above).When you pay attention only to how the information is being communicated, not what is actually being said. That means don’t try to correct Angelique’s posture while she is talking to you about serious stuff. When you are too literal. Kids have their own dialects or ways of speaking, and if you listen to the words too exactly, you’re gonna get lost. When you listen only for the facts. How the child feels about what he’s telling you may be just as important. When you paraphrase back what’s been said, make sure to include how you think the child is feeling. Let him correct you if you are wrong.
