Family members have a responsibility to navigate disputes and disagreements before they become an issue. Here is an overview of the most common disputes among parents and grandparents that can lead to withholding contact with grandchildren.
Is Withholding Grandchildren from Grandparents Ever Acceptable?
Grandparents have no legal rights to their grandchildren. Whether they see their grandkids is completely up to the parents or legal guardians. Children do benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents and vice versa, but there are times that this benefit might not be worth the cost.
Deal-Breaking Behavior
Sometimes parents are right to deny grandparents contact with grandchildren. People who are sex offenders or substance abusers seldom clean up their acts just because they become grandparents. Parents are justified in not wanting their children around grandparents who could endanger children’s welfare. For instance, grandparents who transport grandchildren without using the proper car safety restraints, have a history or accidents, or do not drive safely should not be allowed to drive grandchildren anywhere. The same goes for any other safety rule established by the parents, whether the grandparents agree with it or not. If the infringement is not too great, parents might consider allowing the grandparents to see the grandchildren, but only under controlled conditions. Other actions by grandparents that can easily trigger a family dispute include the following:
Undermining parental authority: Encouraging children to disobey parents, or forgetting how hard parenting can be Speaking ill of family members, including parents, stepparents, or other grandparents Refusing to follow parents’ rules: Disregarding guidelines for diet, screen time, bedtimes, and so on Giving grandchildren questionable gifts, especially gifts that parents would not approve of Pressuring parents for more contact, such as overnight visits, when parents are reluctant
Families should be able to resolve less serious matters without cutting off contact between grandparents and grandchildren. The ideal approach is to discuss boundaries and behavior and talk about issues as soon as they crop up.
Threats to Normal Access
Barring grandparent misconduct, the expectation of the law is that grandparents have access to their grandchildren through the parent who is their child. This is expected to be true both in intact families and in cases where the child’s parents are no longer together. Sometimes, however, the parent who serves as the grandparent’s portal to grandchildren also loses contact with the children. This situation can occur for a number of reasons, the most devastating, of course, being the death of the parent. Other complicating situations include:
The parents are unmarried and the noncustodial parent has not secured their parental rights.A parent has given up their parental rights.A parent is incarcerated.A parent is barred from seeing the child due to substance abuse, a sexual offense, domestic violence, or something similar.The parent with custody moves a long distance away from the grandparents.The parent who would normally supply access to the grandchildren moves a long distance away.
Another common situation that causes grandparents to be cut off from their grandchildren occurs when the parents struggle with addiction. Parents who misuse drugs or alcohol and deal with addiction often want to keep their habits secret. If an addiction becomes so severe that it is hard to hide, parents may break contact with the grandparents. The primary motivation is to keep their addiction from being exposed. Such family ruptures can be very ugly and can put grandparents in the unenviable position of suing for visitation rights to try to help their grandchildren.
Generational Disputes
There are other, less serious conflicts that also can lead to family estrangement. According to psychologist Marsha L. Shelov, three common circumstances that spark disputes between parents and grandparents include:
Disagreements over issues such as religion Personality conflicts between grandparents and parents, such as daughter-in-law conflicts Old parent-child conflicts that continue to affect the relationship
These three issues can cause serious family disputes. But, they also can be alleviated if grandparents are extra conciliatory and accommodating. As difficult as that can be, especially for grandparents who believe that they are right, giving a little is infinitely preferable to losing contact with grandchildren. If the family conflict is especially bitter or involves unresolved issues, family counseling can be helpful as well.
Financial Issues
Sometimes family disputes concern money. For instance, grandparents who contribute financially to their children sometimes threaten to cut off financial aid unless certain conditions are met. The exception to this rule is when grandparents agree to pay for private school, college, special lessons, or coaching for their grandchildren. In these circumstances, they have a right to require that their contributions be used as designated. On the other hand, parents also may use money as a means of control. For instance, they may threaten to withhold contact with the grandchildren unless financial demands are met. Additionally, parents who have received loans from grandparents may cut off contact to reduce the pressure of repaying the loans. Before making any monetary transactions, both parents and grandparents should consider what types of conflicts they may create down the road.
Conflicts and Mental Disorders
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for both parents and grandparents to sometimes describe the other parties as mentally ill. Common charges are that the other party is a compulsive liar or has a serious mental illness such as bipolar disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Sometimes the individuals in question have been diagnosed with a mental illness, and sometimes someone is playing amateur psychiatrist. If a parent or grandparent is truly mentally ill, every effort should be made to obtain help. On the other hand, leveling such charges against someone just because of a disagreement is both slanderous and counter-productive. It is much better to concentrate on conflict resolution.
Breaching Boundaries
Another common reason why parents restrict contact with the grandchildren is caused by boundaries. This type of offense can take the form of violating physical boundaries, such as dropping in on family members and entering without knocking. Sometimes, the boundaries between parenting and grandparenting are blurred. This situation is often seen when young parents need help and grandparents assume parenting roles. Sometimes the grandparents even assume custody; but more commonly they simply provide child care and often financial assistance. Then, when the parents decide to reclaim their parenting roles, grandparents sometimes have trouble relinquishing them. Often, the result is that grandparents who have been extremely close to their grandchildren are cut off from them because the parents are desperate to reclaim their parenting turf. Wise grandparents avoid such rifts by asking for patience as they make the transition. They also do what they can to help the parent resume their responsibilities while relishing the opportunity to enjoy their grandchildren as grandparents rather than bearing the many responsibilities of the parental role.
A Word From Verywell
The key to any healthy relationship is effective communication. Many family disagreements are the result of miscommunication and hurt feelings. Healing small disagreements and family rifts before they become full-blown breaks is the key to maintaining a positive relationship and maintaining contact with your grandchildren. Be the first to apologize and look for a compromise rather than trying to prove a point. By doing so, you will help ensure you have a regular presence in your grandchildren’s lives and a peaceful relationship with their parents.
