Whether they admit it or not, adoptive parents whose children search often feel jealousy and even anger toward the birthparent. The adoptive parents may feel that they’ve done all the hard work of parenting—and now this interloper, the birthparent, will take over. This rarely happens—but the fear is there. One adoptive mom I know found the search painful and scary, even though she struggled to be supportive of her child’s need to search. Other adoptive parents are more philosophical and accepting. There are adoptive parents who actively launch the search to locate the birthparents themselves, in an attempt to gain information the child can have when she is grown up. Remember, it isn’t inevitable that your child will search—most don’t. Questions about birthparents’ medical history may only mean that your child wants information rather than contact. Don’t assume your child wants to search—many adopted adults express a feeling that they are expected to search and are concerned that something is wrong with them because they don’t want to. It’s okay to not search. However, don’t blind yourself to the possibility that your child may want to search. Adoptive parents might experience a host of emotions when they learn that their adult child has searched—or plans to search—including fear of being abandoned, concern for the adopted child’s emotional well-being, feelings of rejection, or even a hopeful and supportive attitude. Their child’s search might also bring up long-forgotten memories of infertility issues and the reasons for adopting.
Fear of Abandonment
Some adoptive parents worry that if the adopted person likes the birthparents better, then he may devote all his spare time to them and forget he was ever adopted. Does this make any sense? Of course not. No adopted person, whether they had a great, mediocre, or even terrible relationship with his adoptive parents, can forget that he was adopted and that he was parented by the adopters. You might forget where you parked your car. You might forget what day it is. You don’t forget who raised you. Still, it may be true that when the adopted adult first locates a birthparent, the birthparent will receive the lion’s share of attention. Usually, though, after the excitement fades, the adopted person’s relationships with both the birthparents and the adoptive parents becomes more balanced.
You’ll Like Them Better Than You Like Us
Adopters often fear that their children will like the birthparents better than they like the adoptive parents. Why? One reason is that the adopted person has no history of bad times with the birthparents. They didn’t yell at Susie for smoking in the shed. They didn’t tell Jimmy that if he wanted a car, he’d have to save his own money for it. First, realize that most birthparents are normal people who probably would have parented the child in the same ways you did. They would have punished Susie for smoking, too. Remember the flip side. The birthparents didn’t see Susie play the lead fairy in the school play. They didn’t sew her dress and create her gorgeous wings, which she treasured. Nor did they see Jimmy win a science fair prize. Or help him catch his first bass. You did. If your child wants to search, then be supportive. But don’t pressure her and try to take over this important aspect of your child’s life. Let your child decide whether and when to search for a birthparent. Finally, some adoptive parents fear that the genetic similarities of the birthparents will prove irresistible to the adoptee. It’s very common for adopted adults and birthparents to explore mutual likes and dislikes when they first meet. If the relationship progresses, however, your child will begin to realize that although she and her birthmother share traits, they are also unalike in some ways as well. It’s notable that most adopted adults take great pains to insist that they love their parents and that their search was not initiated because they didn’t think the adopters were “good enough.” They weren’t looking for better parents. They just wanted to know the people who were responsible for their creation.
