If selective hearing in kids is something you’ve been struggling with in your family, here are a few reasons why it may be happening—and some tips on what you can do to break the pattern.
Reasons For Selective Listening
There are several different reasons why a child may not be listening to what you have to say. Here’s an overview of the most common reasons.
You’re Saying Too Much
Staying brief and sticking to one or two points is the best policy when it comes to communicating with kids. Giving your child a list of things they need to remember—say, listing off several chores you want them to do or reminding them to do a number of things to get ready for school, for example—can make it difficult for a child to keep track of everything they’re supposed to do. Similarly, using lots of big words and going into a long explanation about something, such as why you punished her for doing something wrong, can end up just diluting the message.
Your Child Is Focused on Something Else
Often, children are concentrating so intently on something they’re doing, whether it’s watching a favorite show or movie or playing with Legos, that they simply do not hear you. Kids, like adults, can get totally engrossed in something; so when they don’t listen, it’s sometimes not defiance as much as it’s that they’re totally immersed in something. Try to see the positive side to this (they are building their concentration skills) and ask your child for her full attention by going to her and speaking to her face-to-face.
They Are Doing Something Else
It happens—you’re busy making dinner and you want to remind your child to finish his homework so you yell at him from across the room or across the house. But whenever possible, try to get into the habit of taking the time to go to him and speak to him face-to-face. The chances of your child listening to you are increased exponentially if you pay attention to him fully when making a request.
You Are Ordering or Begging
Going full drill sergeant (“Pick up those toys right now!!!”) or simpering beggar (“Please, please, please, can’t you pick up your toys?”) are both highly likely to yield the same results over time—kids not listening.
You Are Inconsistent
If you repeatedly ask your child to pick up his toys and you don’t follow through with consequences when he ignores you, then you are teaching him to, well, ignore you.
You Are Criticizing
Would you like it if someone was constantly criticizing you and would you want to pay attention to what that person was saying? If you are routinely negative (“I don’t know why you can’t ever listen!”) then your child just might naturally tune you out.
How to Get a Child to Listen
So now that you know some reasons why a child might not listen, how do you get him to pay attention to what you are saying? Try some of these strategies for nurturing good listening skills.
See things eye to eye. Get down to your child’s level and ask him to look directly at you while you are speaking to each other. This is an excellent way to not only make sure you have your child’s full attention but also to teach your child good manners and to listen in a respectful way when someone is speaking to him. Listen to your child. As with other behaviors, your child will learn how to listen by following the example you set. If you make a habit of listening to your child when she speaks, she will be more likely to do the same when you talk to her. Find out why they’re not complying. Think about what may be causing your child to not pay attention to you. Are you asking him to do something that’s too difficult for him to manage on his own? Is he having a problem doing something you ask because he’s tired or cranky? Consider what may be causing his behavior instead of dismissing it as your child not being respectful, purposefully being defiant, or ignoring you. Keep your cool. As exasperating as it may be when your child does not listen, try to stay calm and Zen as you guide your child, and refrain from shouting or speaking in an angry tone. Why? Two big reasons: One, when you get angry, you are showing your child that you are not in control and that she can push your buttons. And two, while yelling might get you results in the short-term, it will eventually lose its effectiveness over time. Explain that it’s not respectful. Teach your child that not listening or ignoring someone when they’re talking to you is not a nice way to treat people. Inject a little fun. If you find yourself in a constant battle to get your kids to listen, change the dynamic of your interactions by lightening things up a bit. For example, if you are frustrated by your child dawdling and not being able to get ready for school on time, use timers to see who can win a race to the door or set up a sticker chart to reward him with something he wants if he can get ready on time for a week or more. Use your imagination to encourage his cooperation instead of making demands. Turn the tables. Be sure to let your child know ahead of time that you’ll be doing this exercise so that she knows you’re not actually ignoring her: Set about 30 minutes (more or less, depending on the age of your child and how she reacts) and tell your child that you will not listen to her. It won’t be long before your child understands just how terrible it feels to have someone you want to talk to ignore you. Be patient. Building good communication habits is a process that can take a long time to develop. Instead of expecting your child to always obey you the first time you say something, look at the development of his listening skills as part of building an important foundation that will help you and your child develop a strong relationship in the years to come.
