The key is to figure out what to tune in and what to tune out. Asking yourself these questions can help you distinguish between useful advice and unhelpful criticism, and learn how to respond to critics.
Vocalize What Kind of Support You Need
It’s tough when you ask for help and don’t like the response you get. But try to avoid blaming someone for having an opinion when you did ask them for it. Instead:
Clarify what you need: Instead of asking a friend or family member what they think, ask specifically for their support. You might say, “I’ve decided to do this. I know you may not agree, but what I need from you is ___________ [just to listen, your encouragement, no judgment, etc].” If you ask for advice, be ready to hear it: Seeking advice requires vulnerability. Make sure you can accept that your family member may tell you something that is difficult to hear. Seek out people who are educated on the topic: You will find that different family and friends are great resources for different topics. For example: If you are suffering from low milk supply, turn to a friend who is a member of the La Leche League, rather than a relative who did not breastfeed.
Set Clear Relationship Boundaries
If they seem to have positive intentions, you may want to restrain an overly defensive reaction. Weigh their comments: Do they have merit? Apply or (gently) reject them accordingly. It may be helpful to focus on their heart rather than their advice. In as positive a way as you can muster, let the person know that you are comfortable with the parenting methods you have in place and that you are not looking for advice on the matter. This is particularly true in our world of electronic conversations (Facebook statuses, tweets, texts, and emails). We are even more likely to read between the lines, filling in meaning that was never intended.
Actively Listen
Especially in discussions of parenting style, engage in active listening. Use verbal and nonverbal cues to give your attention to the speaker and confirm what you understand the person to be conveying. If you are unsure, ask for clarification. “Did you mean to say _________? Can you elaborate a little further?” When you communicate well, it can help build your relationship rather than harm it. We can’t hear our friend or family member’s Inflection and tone of voice. So, if you read a Facebook status that leaves you thinking, “Was that directed at me?” or an email that starts to make your blood boil, either let it go or seek out the person for a calm, face-to-face conversation. You might be relieved to learn you were completely mistaken.
Ignore Them or Inform Them
In these instances, you have a choice. You can either drop the subject by smiling and nodding, or you can gently educate the person. Which method is best will depend on the situation and the person. Many times, older family members can get stuck on a phrase like, “Well, when I was a parent…” You can give a simple, “Is that so?” and let them have the platform (while knowing your own information is more up to date). Alternatively, you can reply with a simple message such as, “Well, nowadays doctors actually recommend _____, and I am comfortable with that.”
Listen Without Responding
This is hard, but try it: Just listen, without feeling like you have to justify your parenting choices. Simply being honest can help defuse the situation. You might tell your family member that this topic makes you feel a bit sensitive, or let them know that right now, you need to hear encouragement rather than suggestions. The next time you find the steam rising inside you as you listen to what you perceive is a critique of your parenting abilities, before you do anything, reflect on the situation. By taking the time to think before you react, you might actually find some helpful insights and avoid an unnecessary confrontation.
